Junkgate: The Brett Favre Saga

Brett Favre. 2010 has not been his year. I don't even know where to start. I could and perhaps should devote a blog entirely to the shenanigans in that man's life. However, I will start with the events of summer 2010. Otherwise, we'd be here all day. The man gains 14 pounds in the offseason, pisses off his own agent to the point that said agent spouts off to the press, skips training camp in Indecision 2010 and still nets an additional 4 million dollars in salary. It is still unclear if he dropped those 14 pounds.

Then, the season begins. And we learn about Junkgate. That's right. Junkgate. The allegations broken by deadspin.com that Favre propositioned and texted a woman on the Jets payroll, Jenn Sterger, when he was with the team in 2008. Before I knew details the of this story, I knew what the situation entailed as soon as I heard the word "sexting." Because I know Brett. To know Brett is to imagine the craziest crap you can think of, then multiply it by 12. I knew that Brett sent pictures of his junk to that woman.

Absolutely everything about this story fascinates me. But I particularly enjoy trying to imagine the thought process that made Favre think that this was a good decision.  It has been said many times that women tend to be less visual than men. Meaning that a picture of something like, I don't know, someone's junk really doesn't do anything for us. And I'm sorry, I'm about to get really real right now: Especially not flaccid junk. Come on, Brett.

As we learned from Indecision 2010 and the Sports Muse's investigative journalism, Brett Favre likes Doritos. So, without making ourselves ill, let's try to recreate the scene. Brett is bored. Brett is eating Doritos. Brett decides he wants some female attention. He snacks on Doritos with this left hand, grabs his phone with the right. Snap, snap. Brett's internal thought: "Oh, that's a good one. That outta get her over here."

Twenty minutes later. Back inside Brett's head. I know it is a frightening place, but we must go there to truly understand his massive amount of hotmess-ness. "Aww hell. Why hasn't she come over? I need to go get some more Doritos. Let me put on my Crocs."  10 minutes later, "Still not here. Let me lie down with my Crocs on and have a little fun with myself. Christine O'Donnell wouldn't approve, but I'm gonna have at it anyway. Oh wait, lemme take a picture of this and send it to Jenn, this one will make her head over right this minute."

It's scary, isn't it? I'm sorry. Go watch Disney movies after that brief stint inside Favre's mind to purify your brain.

The jokes and the speculation went on for weeks. Brett Favre did not address the allegations in any way, shape or form. Finally, Favre met with the head of NFL Security (was anyone else surprised to find out that this was an actual job and department within the NFL?). Less than a week after that occurred, it was revealed that Favre admitted to leaving the creepy voicemails meant to entice Sterger, but drew the line at sending photos of his junk. Riight. Because good decision making in life is clearly something you excel at, Mr. Favre.

I am not sure there is anything more I can say about Junkgate at this time. The jokes just write themselves as you talk about the story. If this happened (and as I understand the workings of Favre's mind, I can tell you that it did) it is unfortunate that innocent people had photos of Favre's junk forced upon them via text message. But at the same time--wow. Could this story be any more deliciously awful? The photos are leaked; various portions of Deadspin's presentation of the case are--ahem--rather unimpressive; and the Crocs. My God, the Crocs.

Favre has descended into a web of patheticness that has been entirely his own doing for the past two years. The fact that he has gotten himself into this mess is shocking. He was a star quarterback and holds how many records, but will, for at least the immediate future, have an asterisk by his name. Something like this: Brett Favre. Started a record amount of consecutive games in his 20 seasons in the NFL.*

*perpetrator of Junkgate.

 
 
Yes. It's upsetting to us too, Brett.
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