Tom Brady, Cut Your Hair and Don't Dance in Public Again

 
Tom Brady and his awful, nubby ponytail

I didn't want to do it. I tried to protect you. But I knew that it was only a matter of time before you found out. That you would one day see it for yourself. So I want to address it with you directly before it's too late. You may have nightmares after seeing what I'm about to show you, but be strong. I know you can handle it.

While so much of the celebrity gossip mill is abuzz about Charlie Sheen, I am here to tell you that Sheen will be fine. He's making his crazy work for him. It is New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady who is in need of help. In fact, he needs an intervention. A style and movement intervention.

First of all, the hair. Who among us thought that the Bieber hair would be the best Brady's wretched locks looked this year? From there, it's been a steady downward spiral. From Bieber, to shaggy werewolf, and now to headband and nubby ponytail. Is he in an awkward growing out phase? Is he upset that he doesn't have a shampoo endorsement to go along with his Uggs deal? When will it stop, Thomas? When is enough enough?

And then there is the video. *This* is what I tried to shield you from. The footage of Tom Brady at Carnival in Brazil. I am concerned. You know I dislike the man, but I think he may have be suffering from a seizure disorder. This can't be good for his health, or for his career as an NFL quarterback. Is it early onset Parkinson's? The moves are slight, but seem very awkward and uncontrolled. And certainly it is the only reason a man would be dancing with his arms above his head. A move permissible for women, but challenging for a man to pull off. So, the obvious conclusion is that the move was beyond his control.And this is why we need to get Brady some help.

I'm not a doctor, so I can't confirm my suspicions. But all signs point to this being a serious situation. Get help soon, Tom. If you know him, MAKE him see someone. Doctor, stylist, dance instructor, something. This is too important not to be addressed.
 

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